Prince Update ~ 9 January 2014: “Embrace the quiet”
I’ve been of the higher energy, active ilk most of my life. I was running at age nine months even.
Quiet has not been my “friend” much of my life; I’m learning how to be friends with it now. Another gift from Prince since I’ve never made peace with quiet, even when I was ill. I fought it so much. I looked up the word up tonight. My favorite definitions: 9. motionless or moving very gently: quiet waters; 10. free from disturbing thoughts, emotions, etc.; mentally peaceful: a quiet conscience.
Quiet has scared me in the past, as often it could mean “the other shoe would drop”. I have only a couple of people, maybe three, on this planet who I am comfortable with just being quiet, together. I’ve had some lovely naps in my home office with all of my kids, late afternoon, early evening, light music playing. I’m learning how to feel safe internally when it’s quiet.
Prince has always been an active boy; in many ways, a stereotypical “boy” … loud (barking), busy (follows me everywhere), gets into things (for gosh sakes, he’s eaten glass that broken), etc. The past couple of months he’s become less active. I feel scared about that; not comforted. He spent the better part of today in or on the comforters in the laundry room. He didn’t want breakfast, eventually he ate it hours later.
When he’s on a “feed him every 1 1/2 to every 2 1/2 hours”, I feel scared when he doesn’t want a meal. It reminds me that he has cancer; he’s dying. I think some days I’m in denial around it. If I just keep myself busy enough.
Blessedly, my health issue has returned to a large degree so I’m trapped on the couch or in bed, with just my thoughts to keep my company. In the meantime, a friend lost her beloved husband to cancer today. Another new friend found out that the mother of his deceased girlfriend has brain cancer; and as he said it, is in “Prince’s situation”. Having lost both his own mother and sister to cancer, I imagine a lot is coming up for him. He was off to get a funny movie. My brother died when he was 27; I was 31. Yet I lived across the country and in 1992, without cell phone, we weren’t in regular contact so the impact of his death wasn’t as hard on me as losing my beloved pets over the past thirty years as an adult.
I don’t want to bury my feelings when I’m feeling sad or scared or overwhelmed. I keep hoping Prince will just drop dead doing something he loves … w-a-l-k-ing, or barking at the yard men, or playing with a toy, etc.
The alternative is the path many before me have taken, and many others will … watching the one they love wasting away. In my case, I may be forced with making a decision on both Prince’s and Blaze’s behalf, and sometime in the next few weeks.
I’ll share again one of my favorite teachings which reminds me that the strongest place is right where I am, no matter what I’m feeling: http://thesunmagazine.org/archives/1233. The man who was interviewed for this article himself died of cancer. On page four, I love what he says: “There are people who would try to bring nonviolence into the world, even though they can’t approach their own loneliness with complete nonviolence. How could they deal with somebody else in a nonviolent way? To know nonviolence means that you have no enemies inside yourself; that your loneliness, your grief, your anger are not your enemies.”
So, Prince reminds me today to “Embrace my quiet”. Thank you, my boy, my Prince. <3 <3